"Poems" I have no recolection of writing.

While cleaning out some files on my computer, I came across these "poems" that I do not remember writing. These are from the time period (2005) when shorty after Emily and I moved into my Grandparents' house, they both died within a month of each other. I believe I was trying to find a way to process or heal during this very sad, and thus mentally blurry, time. Here they are unedited, as I found them:


8/24/05

I live surrounded by the things you’ll never again see,
the tools you once used to smooth the mortar between the bricks
I study when I can’t move—
now abandoned and idle,
missing your firm grip

I live in your deserted fortress;
spend dreamless nights in the room
where you would lie waiting for a sleep that fully never came;
never imagining a circle quite so full

Even when caught in the strange crossfire,
where the war for consciousness is fought
and thoughts go places that defy the precision
of the unfinished table leg I found on your lathe,
crudely covered with an old rag;
waiting for a great unveiling

I live with you;
your actual blood in the wood and stone and drywall,
keeping me safe.
Just as you tried so hard to do when I was small,
playing in the rose bushes
that I now fight so desperately to keep alive
hoping their sustenance is yours.




8/25/05

You’ve been digging again
The mud on your nose doesn’t lie.
Are you looking or do you keep finding?
Are you practicing for when you have secrets to hide?

Are you digging for me?
You think I have something to bury.
Is that why you protest when I fill in your holes,
unable to fathom my haste?

Dig for us;
we have things to bury
Dig for us,
and I’ll clean your face